Today I’m going to convince you to go against your most carnal desires, to denounce the very ideals that you live your life by. That’s right. I’m going to persuade you to petition for a closure of Isla Vista (I.V.) next Halloween.

Even the least observant Santa Barbarian knows: Halloween is a hot mess. Regardless of whether or not you venture into the cesspool that is Isla Vista on Halloween weekend, you are very likely to be impacted by the influx of student-aged visitors. Every year, city and county safety departments are broadsided by the sheer numbers confronting them during the last weekend of October; thousands are spent on the necessary public servant presence.

Already a well-established partying destination, I.V.’s Halloween weekend has seen a steady increase in attendance, with estimates as high as 45,000 in 2008. Compare that number with the approximate population of I.V. (~20k) and you get a guesstimated amount of outsiders (25k). The majority of Halloween weekend participants seem to be outsiders.

There are two types of out-of-towners (OOTers): hostile out-of-towners (HOOTers) and friendly out-of-towners (FOOTers). While both groups are visitors, they have two completely different goals for their visit.

FOOTers are one hundred percent alright with taking a back-seat role during the weekend. They’re probably here because their friend from back home has a fat living room and has been bragging incessantly about “how crazy” I.V. gets for Halloween. The FOOTers spend most of their visit taking it all in. Marveling at the scantily clad, the creatively clad, and sometimes just the clad that wander I.V. deep into the night. Even if provoked by some rabble-rouser, the FOOTer prefers to walk away, citing the heavy police presence as an inhibitor of an altercation.

HOOTers are simply looking to make their mark on the weekend. Their goals include: “whooping on some bros,” “getting some hot chicks,” and the illustrious “blackout.” One out of every ten HOOTer has a “bro” that actually lives in I.V; the other nine are his friends from Bakersfield. Their costumes lack shirts and creativity, and their behavior is contemptible at best. They drove in on a lifted Tacoma (with a double cab) and they’ll be driving out in a black and white.

HOOTers are the problem. More often than not, their choices negatively impact the overall experience for others. Whether in the form of a fight, property damage, an arrest, or simply being an atmospheric pollutant, the impact of a HOOTer is wholly negative. While the FOOTers rarely disseminate negativity, their positive impact on the weekend is not enough to counteract the damage done by the HOOTers.

So what can be done about the HOOTers?

Simply put, HOOTers need to somehow be prevented from entering I.V. come Halloween weekend. Seeing as how it is downright impossible to definitively distinguish between HOOTers and FOOTers, there can only be one absolute solution: bar OOTers from entering I.V.

This is an entirely win-win-win solution, the only losers being the HOOTers, and if they lose, we win. If your friends are FOOTers, invite them during a weekend where I.V. is actually I.V. Not a conglomeration of K-Mart’s Halloween section and Albertson’s liquor aisle. They’ll be able to have a nice weekend in I.V. complete with real fiestas, and eatery lines that aren’t impacted like UC class rosters. Trust me, they’d much rather hit the beach for some wiffle-ball than watch DP turn into the 405 freeway at 1500 hours.

Aside from that, if you do live in I.V, why would you want to encourage the destruction of an already dilapidated community? The more OOTers that show, the more HOOTers show, and the result of that is an increase in local government expenditure, private property damage, and a bunch of nonplussed members of the greater Santa Barbara county.