It’s Saturday morning and by any measure, not a beach day.

A cold wind rakes Isla Vista’s bluffs over the battleship-gray Pacific’s slow, frothy withdrawal from high tide.

But low tide’s coming and the beach will be there again. Not that it would matter. Today, nobody gets to go on the beach. Shiver me timbers.

Today was supposed to be Floatopia, an event deep-sixed by county officials who determined safety should trump revelry. Predictably, the shutdown prompted cries of unconstitutionality and the specter of a coming police state from would-be Floaters, both near and far.

So, an albeit half-hearted vow to storm the beach with the booze laden flotilla was declared. Damn Jon Law’s torpedoes.

But for all their platitudes, none thought it wise in the end to risk a ticket or arrest. So, nothing like last year’s regalia is going to happen today, and Jon Law’s u-boats sit idle, their charges strapped tight and not needed. Poor planning and obnoxious disregard last year did the dirty work for them.

The question, far from an enigma, is how can Floatopia sail again?

The county closed the beach en lieu of a feared repeat of last year’s debauchery. Then, 12,000 people swarmed the sands and water. They left in their wake a reef’s worth of trash plus an untold volume of human waste, and set back to home ports with over eighty citations and doubtless more hangovers.

And don’t forget quite a few EMT calls and some trips to the ICU, including one via airlift.

In truth, the criticisms about all this didn’t come from Santa Barbara’s “Tight Ass Club.” They were made by folks who live here and care just as much about kids falling off cliffs as they do about the local ecology.

And yes, they get a wee miffed when medical emergencies easily avoided by a little self-control and sound planning occupy way too many of the area’s first responders.

Fellow Vaqueros, here’s my suggestion. If you live in Isla Vista, if you like Floatopia and if you don’t like authority figures whizzing on your good time any more than locals like drunk kids whizzing on their families’ beach, then first consider a bona fide plan for next time. Then consider the wisdom and honor of the old saying “police yourself.”

If you want to continue what has in the past been a pretty sweet day but insist on inviting every boy and girl from San Diego to Humboldt, then will somebody please work with the proper officials for a proper permit? It’s not that hard. In fact, the right young Political Science majors and entrepreneurs could salvage the Old Girl.

Keep it free? Avast, then expect the glint of roaming badges.

Charging a cheap cover is better. Even better if you negotiate that proceeds go to something noble, say beach clean-ups.

What about those getting up into shady things? It’s the beach, kid. No place for shade here. You want shade, hump it up to del Playa.

Clearly last year’s organizers were only that in title.

Think about saving Floatopia as being more than saving a party. Think community outreach. Think event planning. Think college transfer applications.

C’mon Vaqueros, one of you. Turn this ship around.