Guest Column: Give me convenience or give me death

Bobby Harris

Steven Spielberg is an a#$%$*e.

When I first saw “Back to the Future 2,” I was sure that we would see the gadgets in our world today that I saw in the movie then.

The time machine, hydro-powered ovens, and the flying car, those machines were the reason I planned to live to see the millennium.

You see, there is a new mindset that is infiltrating our nation today. No, it is not terrorism. That is so last year. It is being able to provide for yourself. It’s about being self sufficient.

That is a joke. I strive to be self insufficient.

I am sick and tired of doing things for myself. Dialing phone numbers, vacuuming my house, making coffee all take to much time and energy.

Instead of performing these every day tasks, can’t someone invent machines to make my life easier?

For example, the chances of me obtaining finger digititis while dialing a phone number are huge. That is why I have programmed my cell phone to dial any number that I say into it.

I bought a Roomba. Instead of heaving the vacuum cleaner all over my house, I just program it to vacuum for me.

Instead of having to wake up earlier from my morning slumber, I bought a coffee maker to make coffee for me. It even changes the filters itself.

Come on America; is it to much to ask for a device that can control the weather? Aren’t we all sick of marine layers, and snow storms?

It makes sense that we deserve more technology. The average teenager in America spends an average of 40 hours a week sitting in front of a computer screen, TV, or video game console. Our lives need more technology.

So why don’t we have more gadgets and machines?

The tech market was doing so well. The 1980s brought us the remote control (maybe the best invention of all time), the household computer, and the cell phone. All of these devices have a huge stake in making my goal of living an insufficient life attainable.

The Internet came in the 1990s. This was a pretty nice breakthrough. Instead of going out and buying something I want, I could just order it on the net. But I was looking for more.

The millennium came and went. There were no breakthroughs, but the international space station, ATM machines, and personal transporters ran by solar power were pretty neat.

I was getting bored.

A big issue in the upcoming presidential elections is the rise of obesity among adults in this country, as well as overweight children. Both the Republican and Democratic parties have showed in increasing interest in the so called “problem,” and have introduced plans to start getting Americans away from the screen, and into the sun.

Why?

Pollution, crime, walking, all of these things have increased my passion to sit on my battery powered massage chair, drink my machine-made coffee, and flip the remote with wild passion until I hit the Home Buyers Network.

So America, go to the gym, work out, and put your body through pain and anguish, toning your muscles by seizing the day.

I just bought the personal abs machine. It stimulates your fat abs while you watch TV, turning you into a toned machine without lifting a finger.

But just incase my muscles deteriorate because of the amount of disuse they endure on a daily basis, have a medical student come up with a good stem cell program. That could be useful.

-Bobby Harris is a Journalism 103 student.