As I sat on the cooler currently being used as my desk chair I contemplated how I might use this opportunity to write a column as a way to affect change. I wanted to help people! Then it happened–the moment of inspiration. My NorCal room mate walked in and remarked to me that my perfectly functional choice of a desk chair was ghetto.
This year hip-hop is bigger than ever and for some reason hordes of young middle-class white folk are going ghetto. However, most are just not cutting it. I have decided to step in and offer my assistance with the following program guaranteed to “ghettofy” anyone no matter how ethnically challenged you may be. So if you re ready for this, let s get down!
The first step to “ghettofication” and ultimately hip-hop superstardom is changing your name. There are several options here. You may want to consider keeping your old name and just adding a few z s in strategic places. For example if your name is Jessica you may consider Jizizzica or Chris may become Chrizizz.
If your name is more stubbornly white there is a second option used by many famous entertainers. Try using the first letter of your name followed by a random word such as dawg or rule or perhaps a type of frosty beverage, for example J Nestea. For those more advanced you may consider the many other amounts of change not yet claimed as a name. Will you be the next 25 cent? or perhaps you could puzzle TRL viewers with an even deeper name like bus fare.
Now that your name has been modified you must learn how to speak. If you are pure white please do not attempt ebonics straightaway, instead try out more z s randomly placed in words. For example, dude that party last night was hella tight can become “yo yo yo what up my Caucasian, that party last nizight was hella tizight!” (visit http://www.joe.net/ebonics/translator.asp for additional assistance with ebonics translation). Not only are you filling your “z” quota but you are also rhyming. Speaking of which, you are now ready to take your “flava” to another level.
So you have the name and language of a hip hop star. Now you must learn to dress like one. There are many fashionable labels to choose from as many ridiculously successful hip-hop stars have created clothing lines. In the beginning showing support for other artists is cool but keep in mind you may need to start a line of your own soon. You can begin to experiment on your own, take popular fashions and make them more street by adding decorative touches. Wouldn t that pair of Abercrombie & Fitch jeans you have laying around look way cooler with some bullet holes in them?
Now, you can have the name and the clothes and talk like a real hip-hopper, but most important is the attitude. Eventually a few people will start “hatin’ on your g-a-m-e” and point out that fact that you are indeed still white. You must brush this off in the smoothest manner possible. May I suggest don t hate the playa hate the game or perhaps I may be white but my rhymes is tight or the classic do NOT make me lay the pimp hand down! If this doesn’t work threaten to call Jesse Jackson on their racist self.
Finally, you should create a new walk looking something like a cross between a strut and a knee injury. And always keep in mind accessories can only help. The more “bling-bling” you have and the tighter your ride is, the more street rep you ll have (on street rep: start a rumor you killed someone in a drive-by).
Okay, you’re done. Do you feel ghetto? I sure do. Not only does my butt hurt from sitting on my cooler but I feel secure that I could indeed hang with Mr. Cooper. However, do not attempt to take my teachings into areas of advanced “ghettoness” (i.e. Compton) because I will not be responsible for you getting your white self shot. Peace!