Natural selection works; let the pandas die
Morgan Cullen, Sports Editor
November 9, 2011
Filed under Opinion
It takes a sadistic individual to have a personal problem with an endangered species, but I don’t like pandas.
You can call me cruel, cold hearted, or perhaps off the wall and bizarre, but I think humans need to stop meddling with the panda population to allow natural selection to work.
I cringe at sappy ‘save the pandas’ commercials and every time I see the World Wildlife Fund credit cards with images of cuddly pandas gracing the glossy front.
It’s time for the world to know why.
I’m a self-proclaimed ‘sex-obsessed’ writer, and I find it incredulous that pandas are horrible at mating. I believe sexual reproduction is a fundamental part of evolution. It’s something that every gender-qualified species can accomplish instinctively. It’s detrimental to the continuation of a sustainable population.
But when it comes to copulation (pun intended) pandas are often apathetic. In terms of mate selection, they are more particular than their gene pool allows.
They are said to often refuse a mate based on personality preferences. However with a population of roughly 1,600 worldwide, pandas can’t afford that luxury.
Much of this peculiar problem is based on the male pandas low libido.
Even when the stars align and panda destiny occurs, sex only lasts approximately 15 seconds because the male pandas back legs are often too weak to mount the female.
Researchers have tested great scientific methods to try and improve the strength of the panda’s hamstrings by attempting to teach them to dance as a form of exercise. When all else fails, people have gone as far as showing male pandas ‘panda porn’ (Google it) in order to try to stimulate their sexual desire.
Yet, science is still hell bent on over-involving itself in perpetuating future indifferent panda generations.
Electro-ejaculation is regularly practiced on male pandas to collect semen for in-vitro fertilization, and it’s not as fun as it sounds.
Scientists put a male panda to sleep, inserting a needle through the rectum and into the prostate to extract ‘the sample.’
This process can cause hypertension in males, which is a risk considering the goal is to make pandas, not kill them.
All that being said, humans absolutely take the blame for invading upon the panda habitat.
China’s urban expansion has forced pandas into northern forests, leaving the natural ‘loners’ even less desired places to exist.
Aside from that, the panda’s general lack luster for life inhibits any potential to repopulate their species.
Their eating habits are worse than a picky two-year-old, they aren’t great mothers, and they sabotage their childbearing years with pregnancy trickery. I’m sick of hearing the spiel about how cute pandas are.
Animals go extinct. It happens, and it’s horrible. Sometimes endangered animals are adorable but that doesn’t justify near obsessive behavior on societies part.
I’ve yet to see a platypus matchmaking website.
At the end of the day, it’s all in good fun. I’m not saying want to see pandas die, but maybe humans need to stop doing everything to get them to mate. It’s getting to be borderline creepy.
If pandas don’t want to repopulate, that’s their problem.
After all you can lead a panda to water, but you can’t make it drink.
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